Klogg's Crap

Academic-Bullshit Phrases

2008-03-07T12:26:00.000+01:00

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also
applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...I didn’t look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...The other results didn’t make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...I don’t understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...They don’t understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

2008-03-02T12:32:00.000+01:00

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in aday are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front ofhim. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large andempty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He thenasked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into thejar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areasbetween the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar wasfull. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Ofcourse, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jarwas full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table andpoured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the emptyspace between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognizethat this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the importantthings---God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and yourfavorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained,your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house andyour car.
The sand is ever ything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand intothe jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golfballs. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on thesmall stuff you will never have room for thethings that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play withyour children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Taketime to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another18. There will always be t ime to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set yourpriorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what thecoffee represented. The professor smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked." Thecoffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there'salways room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

The Farmer and The Cow

2008-02-22T08:59:00.000+01:00

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

Poor Old Man

2008-02-12T11:03:00.000+01:00

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day" The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

Pleasure

2008-02-07T23:44:00.001+01:00

A woman collapsed, fell and hit her head in a crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales, when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure.
The kinky 33-year-old housewife was wearing a pair of battery-operated Passion Pants, bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun.
But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness. When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knikcers still buzzing.
They took them off her before an ambulance took her to the hospital. The woman, who’s identity has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill effects. As she left the hospital a paramedic gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag.
A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain commented to the Sun: "We like to think shopping with us was pleasure enough already."

NYC Beggar

2008-02-07T21:13:00.000+01:00

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend´s act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he´s only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren´t?"

Coli bacteria

2008-02-06T11:57:00.001+01:00

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia
coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Royal Wedding (nasty)

2008-02-06T00:59:00.001+01:00

On the day of the wedding, Mary was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Mary for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Mary’s feet were in agony.
When she and Frederik withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Frederik say ’God,that was tight.’
’There,’ whispered the Queen. ’I told you she was a virgin.’ Then, to their surprise, they heard Frederik say. ’Right. Now for the other one.’
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Frederik said. ’My God. That was even tighter.’
’That’s my boy,’ said Prince Henrik.

I Wonder

2008-02-06T00:49:00.001+01:00

- When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
- Aren’t the ’good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
- If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
- How come popcorn isn’t a vegetable?
- Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
- If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn�t we now be seeing people from the future?

Lil Billy

2008-02-06T00:28:00.001+01:00

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Fax Questions and Answers

2008-02-05T22:25:00.001+01:00

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax strangers every day.

Q. My parents said that they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think one should be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax something, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, a s far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q. Should I always use a cover when faxing?
A. Unless you’re really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure, and fax prematurely?
A. Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won’t mind if you try again!

Q. I have a personal, and a business, fax. Can transmissions be mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover sheet with each and every one, you won’t transmit anything that you are not supposed to.

5 Kings

2008-02-05T22:20:00.000+01:00

Can you name the five Great Kings that have brought happiness into peoples lives ?
Answer :
DrinKing,
SmoKing,
LicKing,
SucKing
and
FucKing!

Work-dictionary

2008-02-05T00:11:00.000+01:00

What you say to your boss and what it really means:

You say: Perhaps I can work late.
It means: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

You say: I’m certain that is not feasible.
It means: No fucking way!

You Say: Really?
It means: You’ve got to be shitting me.

You say: Perhaps you should check with...
It means: Tell someone who gives a shit.

You say: Of course I’m concerned.
It means: Ask me if I give a shit.

You say: I wasn’t involved in the project.
it means: It’s not my fucking problem.

You say: I’m not sure I can implement this.
It means: Fuck it, it won’t work.

You say: I’ll try to schedule that.
It means: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

You say: Are you sure this is a problem?
It means: Who the fuck cares?

You say: He’s not familiar with the problem.
It means: He’s got his head up his ass.

You say: So you weren’t happy with it?
It means: Kiss my ass.

You say: I don’t think you understand.
It means: Shove it up your ass.

You say: I love a challenge.
It means: This job sucks.

You say: You want me to take care of that?
It means: Who the hell died and made you boss?

You say: Yes, we really should discuss it.
It means: Another fucking meeting?

You say: I don’t think this will be a problem.
It means: I really don’t give a shit.

The Hamster Show

2008-02-04T17:13:00.000+01:00

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

New Holiday - March 20th

2008-02-04T17:12:00.000+01:00

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret...guys feel left out. That’s right...left out. There’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."
Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That’s it. This twin pairing of Valentine’s Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It’s like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

FBI, CIA, LAPD

2008-02-03T12:45:00.001+01:00

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!"

Real flight announcements

2008-02-02T21:27:00.000+01:00

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Philosophy

2008-02-02T20:55:00.000+01:00

The First Law of Philosophy:
For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy:
They're both wrong.

The good, the bad and the ugly

2008-02-02T20:52:00.000+01:00

Good: You’re pregnant. Bad: It’s triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He’s a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You’re in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

Not since 1955

2008-02-02T20:49:00.001+01:00

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma´am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma´am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said:"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said:"You know, I hope you don´t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma´am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:"Wow, you sure didn´t forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice: "I hope not, it´s only 2130 now."

Pregnant that way?

2008-02-02T20:21:00.001+01:00

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, - "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
He asked, - "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn’t.
The doctor then told her, - "Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked - "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, - "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"

What's the Purpose?

2008-02-02T20:19:00.001+01:00

A British anthropologist was doing field research in an isolated African village, when a tribal chief asked if he would like to be his guest at a legal trial he was conducting later that day.
"We have copied your country's legal procedures from what we have read in the accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system." proudly stated the chief.
When the Brit arrived at the wooden courthouse, he was amazed to see how closely the African court officials tried to resemble those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language.
But he was puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What native purpose does the semi-nude woman signify running through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know", confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in the British papers about trials in the Royal Courts, there was invariably something mentioned about "an excited titter" running through the gallery".

The nun at Hooters

2008-02-02T20:17:00.000+01:00

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "I really don’t think you should.." "Why not?" the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I’ll just look the other way."
So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you’re one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don’t understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

Classy things to say when stressed

2008-02-02T20:14:00.001+01:00

- "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!"
- "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
- "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"
- "This isn’t an office. It’s HELL with fluorescent lighting"
- "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
- "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
- "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
- "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
- "I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable"
- "Don’t worry. I forgot your name too."
- "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
- "Wait...I’m trying to imagine you with a personality"
- "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
- "A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth."
- "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

Tarzan

2008-02-02T20:12:00.001+01:00

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.
In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

Top Ten Rejected Valentine’s Day Cards

2008-02-02T20:04:00.000+01:00

10.
I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk
9.
Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8.
I bought this Valentine’s card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you’d be my ho.
7.
This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.
6.
You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5.
Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4.
Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.
3.
You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s "booty".
2.
I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
1.
If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

The Fighter Pilot

2008-02-02T19:57:00.000+01:00

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

The Laws of the Workplace

2008-02-01T11:38:00.000+01:00

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Did u Know

2008-02-01T11:22:00.000+01:00

What’s Your Bra Size?Have you ever wondered why the letters A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H are used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can’t Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

The Local Strip Club

2008-01-31T11:21:00.000+01:00

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.'' When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

The Vow of Celebracy

2008-01-19T12:11:00.000+01:00

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

What Does What Mean

2008-01-03T23:23:00.000+01:00

What a Kiss Means...
*Kiss on the Forehead ----"Forever you will be mine"
*Kiss on the Cheek ---"We're friends"
*Kiss on the Hand ---"I adore you"
*Kiss on the Neck ---"We belong together"
*Kiss on the Shoulder ---"I want you"
*Kiss on the Ear ---"I'm horny"
*Kiss on the stomach-----"lets have sex"
*Kiss on the Lips ---"I love you" OR "I want you"

What the gesture means...
*Holding Hands ---"We can learn to love each other"
*Slap on the Butt ---"That's mine"
*Playing with the Ear ---"I can't live without you"
*Holding on tight ---"Don't let go"
*Looking into each other's Eyes ---"Don't leave me"
*Playing with Hair on Head ---"Tell me you love me"
*Arms around the Waist ---"I love you too much to let go"
*Laughing while Kissing ---"I am completely Comfortable with you"

--Advice-- * Don't ask for a kiss, take one.
*If you were thinking about someone while reading this, you're definitely in Love.

If you LIKE, LOVE, OR MISS someone right now and can't get them out of your head then do something about it

17 Signs You Like Someone

2007-12-13T18:34:00.000+01:00

This is how u know u like/love some1.

SEVENTEEN:
You look at their profile constantly.

SIXTEEN:
When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up, you still miss them even when it was just two minutes ago.

FIFTEEN:
You read their Texts and Ims Over and over again.

FOURTEEN:
You walk really slow when you're with them.

THIRTEEN:
You feel shy whenever they're around.

ELEVEN:
When you think about them, your heart beats faster but slower at the same time.

TEN:
You smile when you hear their voice.

NINE:
When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.

EIGHT:
You start listening toslow songs while thinking about them.

SEVEN:
They're all you think about.

SIX:
You get high just from their scent.

FIVE:
You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.

FOUR:
You would do anything for them, just to see them.

THREE:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.

TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number twelve was missing

ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.

Have fun knowing that u are a sucker for him/her

The Horse and the Chicken

2007-12-01T23:44:00.000+01:00

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yes, there’s a moral!)
"When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

Remember the 90's

2007-11-18T19:31:00.000+01:00

Just wanted to remind people of the good ole days.
You're a 90's kid if:
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.
You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
You remember when it was actually worth getting up earlyon a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"
You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You danced to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)
You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.
When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being Tommy.
You remember when super nintendo's became popular.
You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
"I've fallen and I can't get up"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
Two words... Trapper Keeper.
You never got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide
You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCEhe jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles
NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS
Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)
You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.
You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
You remember a time before the WB.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" ... enough said
You thought Brain woud finally take over the world
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.
You remember when razor scooters were cool.

When we were younger:
Before the MySpace frenzy...
Before the Internet & text messaging...
Before Sidekicks & iPods...
Before MIKE JONES...
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX...
...Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
Way back.
Tag.
Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.
Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.
Red Light, Green Light.
Heads Up 7 Up.
Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Hopskotch.
Slip-n-Slides.
Tree Houses.
Hula Hoops.
HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!!
"POWER OF LOVE" BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.
The annoying Giga Pets & Furbies.
Running through the sprinklers.
That "Little Mermaid"
Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.
Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.
Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car.
Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It"
CAPRI SUN
Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.
The original Power Rangers
Or what about:
Hey Arnold.
Rugrats.
The Secret World of Alex Mac.
Ren & Stimpy.
Double Dare.
Rocco's Modern Life.
AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.
Wild & Crazy Kids.
Clarissa Explains it All.
CAMP NOWHERE
Salute Your Shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
The original cast members of All That.
Kenan & Kel.
"CITY GUYS"...ROLLW/ THE CITY GUYS
Doug.
Magic School Bus.
Nick Arcade.
Flash Forward.
The Adventures of Pete and Pete.
Legends of the Hidden Temple
Hey Dude.
Dinosaurs.
Alladin.
Mummies Alive
Pinky and the Brain
Sailor Moon.
Blossom.
Hangin with Mr. Cooper.
Martin
Beavis & Butt-Head
Wishbone.
Bill Nye the Science Guy
MR RODGERS!!!!
Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life, I Love Lucy and TGIF.
Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.
or Nick Jr. with Face
Gulah Gulah Island
Little Bear
Busy Town
Under the Umbrella Tree
PEE-WEE!!!
The Big Comfy Couch
Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.
Class field trips.
When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.
When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.
When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.
When Toys R Us overuled the mall.

Go back to the time when:
Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'
'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly.'
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.
When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.
When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.
Another Baby Sitter Club and Little Sister (Karen) book came out and you put your name on hold for it at the library.
When Aladdin was new, before the trilogy was complete.
Sockem Boppers
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

2007-10-19T20:11:00.001+02:00

- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Damn, there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
- I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
- Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss "BayWatch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!

The Perfect Day

2007-10-17T11:33:00.000+02:00

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants;
open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend´s ex and notices she has gained 7kg
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower [alone]
22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

and

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route]
9:45 Play front nine [2 under]
11:45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine [4 under]
14:15 Limo back to airport
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude]
16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle
17:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
18:45 Shit, shower, shave
19:00 Watch news - Brad Pitt assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised
19:30 Dinner - Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits
21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day
21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies]
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale
23:30 Night cap blow job
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

Cars v/s Computers

2007-10-13T17:47:00.000+02:00

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),
Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

I like your Thinking

2007-10-12T21:28:00.000+02:00

A teacher asks her class,
"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU.

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied
"Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied,
"The correct answer is ’the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

The Rules

2007-10-12T18:37:00.000+02:00

1. For those of you who don’t already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.
2. The female always makes the rules.
3. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
4. No male can possibly know all the rules.
5. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
6. The female is never wrong.
7. If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
8. If rule number seven applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
9. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
10. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
11. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
12. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
14. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
15. The female always gets the last word!

Deaths in a Hospital

2007-10-02T17:26:00.000+02:00

Mysterious happenings at Somerset Hospital
There was a case in Somerset Hospital's ICU, where patients always died in the same bed, every Sunday morning at 11am - regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that particular bed was the work of the Devil...as to why the deaths at 11am on Sunday mornings?A world-wide team of experts were constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off any evil spirits...Just then the clock struck 11 and.............In walked Sipho (the part-time Sunday cleaner). He entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner!

Text Messages Hazard

2007-10-02T16:40:00.001+02:00

Be careful how you list names on your cell phone This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag which contained her mobile, Credit card, purse...etc.... was stolen. 20 minutes later when she called Her Hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says 'I've Just received your text asking about our Pin number and I've replied a little while ago. When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The pickpocket had actually used the stolen hand phone to text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from the bank account. Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, sweetheart, Dad, Mum etc....... And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked thru texts, CONFIRM by calling back. Also, when you're being text by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don't reach them, be very careful about going places to meet 'family and friends' who text you. PLEASE PASS THIS ON.

Wedding Ring

2007-10-02T16:37:00.000+02:00

Why should the wedding ring be worn on the fourth finger?
There is a beautiful and convincing explanation given by theChinese Legend...
Thumb represents your Parents Second (Index) finger represents your Siblings Middle finger represents your-Self Fourth (Ring) finger represents your Life Partner & the Last (Little) finger represents your children
Firstly, open your palms (face to face), bend the middlefingers and hold them together - back to back Secondly, open and hold the remaining three fingers and thethumb - tip to tip (As shown in the figure below):
Now, try to separate your thumbs (representing the parents)...,they will open, because your parents are not destined to live with youlifelong, and have to leave you sooner or later. Please join your thumbs as before and separate your Indexfingers (representing siblings)... ., they will also open, because yourbrothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to leadtheir own separate lives.
Now join the Index fingers and separate your Little fingers(representing your children)... ., they will open too, because thechildren also will get married and settle down on their own some day.
Finally, join your Little fingers, and try to separate yourRing fingers (representing your spouse). You will be surprised to see that you just CANNOT....., becauseHusband & Wife have to remain together all their lives - through thickand thin!!
Please try this out......... .... ISN'T THIS A LOVELY THEORY?

Accident Report

2007-10-02T16:36:00.001+02:00

This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."
"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."
"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

Mouse Problems

2007-09-29T16:19:00.000+02:00

Secretary: "Pastor, we’ve got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mouse."

Pastor: "What?!?" (thinking: we’ve got mice in there!?)

Secretary: "Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls."

Pastor (incredulously...): "Th..th...they did what??? How in the world did they do that???"

Secretary: "They must have used a screwdriver or something."

Pastor: "We’ve got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn’t even realize mice had balls...!"

Secretary: "Yeah, they roll around on ’em all the time!"Pastor: "

What???" (still thinking of the little fury real animals) "Well...what can we do?"

Secretary: "I guess we’ll have to put ’em back on..."

Pastor: "WHAT?!?"

Secretary: "Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing.....?!"

Your Personality Test

2007-09-28T17:00:00.000+02:00

(1)
Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference:
Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Pig

(2)
Write one word that describes each one of the following:
Dog, Cat, Rat, Coffee, Sea.

(3)
Think of someone, who also knows you and is important to you, which you can relate them to the following colors.
Do not repeat your answer twice.
Name just one person for each color:
Yellow,
Orange,
Red,
White,
Green.

FINISHED?
Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT.
Look at the interpretations below:

ANSWERS:
(1)
This will define your priorities in your life.
Cow Signifies CAREER
Tiger Signifies PRIDE
Sheep Signifies LOVE
Horse Signifies FAMILY
Pig Signifies MONEY

(2)
Your description of dog implies your own personality.
Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner.
Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.
Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex.
Your description of the sea implies your own life.

(3)
Yellow: Someone you will never forget
Orange: Someone you consider your true friend
Red: Someone that you really love
White: Your twin soul
Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life

The Boss and his Employer

2007-09-16T12:24:00.000+02:00

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME"

The Wasy to do Business

2007-08-26T11:46:00.000+02:00

Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Logic

2007-08-11T00:00:00.000+02:00

------------------------------
P.S. not based on actual events
-----------------------------------
Once upon a time, Mr. Kent realized that he did not know that meaning of logic. So Mr. Kent went to Mr. Wayne and begged his to teach what logic is. Mr. Wayne being an
illustrative fellow begins:
W: "ok... do you have a fishtank in your house?"
K: "yes.. yes I do"
W: "Ok, if you have a fishtank, you must have some fish in it.."
K: "yes... 3 in fact"
W: "see... that is logic... Now that you have fish in the tank, you must have water in it too.."
K: "yes.."
W: "See, that is logic... now if you have fish in the fishtank, you must feed them regularly right?"
K: "Right..."
W: "See... that is logic... if you feed it, so must your family"
K: "yeah... my wife feeds it to"
W: "See that is logic... now, as you are married, that means you aren't homosexual"
K: (long pause) "Yes... you are a genius, I know what logic is!!"
So Mr. Kent, glowing in the brilliance of his new found knowledge, prances around the dormroom proudly like a plump piglet. Mr. Sparrow inquires, "Mr. Kent, why are you
so happy today?" Mr. Kent replies, "Mr. Sparrow, I have learnt what logic is!" Mr. Sparrow, being the illogical fellow he is, says, "wow, Mr. Kent, teach me the meaning of
logic too!!" Mr. Kent begins..
K: "Ok Mr. Sparrow... Do you or do you not have a fish bowl at your home?"
S: "Err.... no... I don't have a fishtank at home...."
Mr. Kent then runs at top speed shouting "Hey everyone!! Mr. Sparrow is GAY!!!"

An Animal Thingy

2007-07-27T22:22:00.000+02:00

Check your B' day & check Who are you?

January 01-09--Dog
January 10-24--Mouse
January 25-31--Lion

February 01-05--Cat
February 06-14--Dove
February 15-21--Turtle
February 22-28--Panther

March 01-12--Monkey
March 13-15--Lion
March 16-23--Mouse
March 24-31--Cat

April 01-03--Dog
April 04-14--Panther
April 15-26--Mouse
April 27-30--Turtle

May 01-13--Monkey
May 14-21--Dove
May 22-31--Lion

June 01-03--Mouse
June 04-14--Turtle
June 15-20--Dog
June 21-24--Monkey
June 25-30--Cat

July 01-09--Mouse
July 10-15--Dog
July 16-26--Dove
July 27-31--Cat

August 01-15--Monkey
August 16-25--Mouse
August 26-31--Turtle

September 01-14--Dove
September 15-27--Cat
September 28-30Dog

October 01-15--Monkey
October 16-27--Turtle
October 28-31--Panther
I Am Panther CoolSunny

November 01-16--Lion
November 17-30--Cat

December
01-16--Dog
December 17-25--Monkey
December 26-31--Dove

Now Scroll Down

If you are a Dog:
A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can neverbe doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when itcomes to your attitude towards working. You are a verysimple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humbleand down-to-earth!! That explains the Reason. Why yourfriends cling on to you! You have a good taste forclothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what istrendy, you sure are depressed. Popular andeasy-going. You have a little group of dignifiedfriends, all of them being quality-personified.
If you are a Mouse :
Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievousgleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute andattractive to everyone. You are an extremelyfun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder, people seekfor your company and look forward to include you forall get-togethers. However, you are sensitive, whichis a drawback. People need to select their words whiletalking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around andplay with words while dealing with you, it is enoughto invite your wrath. God bless the person then!
If you are a Lion :
Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peaceloving person. You best try to avoid a situationwherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person,you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration.You are a born leader, and have it in you how totactfully derive work from people. You love beingloved, and when you receive your share of limelightfrom someone, you are all his or hers!!!! Well,Well... Hence some people could even take anadvantage, flatter you to the maximum and get theirwork done. So be careful.....
If you are a Cat :
An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy,with a passion for quick wit. At times, you preferquietness. You love exploring various things and goinginto depth of each thing. Under normal circumstancesyou're cool, when given a reason to, you are like aVolcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird.People look forward to you as an icon associated withfashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don'tlike talking much to strangers. Peoplefeel very easy in your company. You observe care inchoosing your friends.
If you are a Turtle : Shampy
You are near to perfect and nice at heart. Theexamples of your kindness are always circulated ingroups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn'tlike to retaliate even to a person who is in thewrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish totalk behind one's back. People love the way you alwaystreat them. You can give, give and give love, and thebest part is that you do not expect it back in return.You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practicallight is what remains the best trait of you guys.
If you are a Dove :
You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life.Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful,you remaining unaffected. In fact, you spread cheerwherever you go. You are the leader of your group offriends and good at consoling people in their times ofneed. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk awayfrom hypocrites. They can never be in your good books,no matter what. You are very methodical and organizedin your work. No amount of mess, hence, can everencompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall inlove....
If you are a Panther :
You are mysterious. You are someone who can handlepressure with ease, and can handle any atmospherewithout going berserk. You can be mean at times, andlove to gossip with your selected group. Very prim andproper. You like all situations and things to be inthe way you desire, which sometimes is not possible.As a result, you may lose out in some relationships.But otherwise, you love to help people out fromdifficult and tight spots when they really need you.
If you are a Monkey :
Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be doneas quickly as possible. At heart, you are quite simpleand love if you are the centre of attraction. Thatway, you people are unique. You would like to keepyourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name bedragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, youthen go all panicky. Therefore, you take yourprecautions from the very beginning. When you foreseeanything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves youfrom falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch youpeople are!

The 12 Signs of Falling in Love

2007-07-21T18:53:00.000+02:00

12. You read their texts/notes over and over again...
11. You walk really slow when you're with them...
10. You feel shy whenever you're with them...
9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster
8. You smile when you hear their voice...
7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you... all you see is them...
6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...
5. They become all you think about...
4. You get high just from their scent...
3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them...
2. You would do anything for them...
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.....

50 Romantic things to do 4 your Boy/Girl Friend

2007-07-21T18:52:00.001+02:00

50 Watch the sunset together.
49 Whisper to each other.
48 Cook for each other.
47 Walk in the rain.
46 Hold hands
45 Buy gifts for each other.
44 Roses.
43 Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together.
42 Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
41 Write poetry for each other.
40 Hugs are the universal medicine.
39 Say I love you, only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.
38 Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.
37 Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie!
36 Spend every second possible together.
35 Look into each other's eyes.
34 Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.
33 When in public, only flirt with each other.
32 Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking.
31 Buy her a ring.
30 Sing to each other.
29 Always hold her around her hips/sides.
28 Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal.
27 Spaghetti? (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
26 Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart.
25 Dance together.
24 I love the way a girl looks right after she's fallen asleep with her head in my lap.
23 Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
22 Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes
21 Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you.
20 Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.
19 Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
18 Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
17 Be Prince Charming to her parents.
16 Brush her hair out of her face for her.
15 Hang out with his/her friends.
14 Go to church/pray/worship together.
13 Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.
12 Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice.
11 Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.
10 Make sacrifices for each other.
9 Really love each other, or don't stay together.
8 Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them,
7 and make sure they know it.
6 Love yourself before you love anyone else.
5 Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
4 Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
3 Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
2 Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
1 Never forget the kiss goodnight and always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."

What can Break

2007-07-21T18:49:00.001+02:00

Stone is Enough to Break a Glass……
One Sentence is Enough to Break a Heart……
One Second is Enough to Fall in Love……
and One Misunderstanding is Sufficient to Break Friendship.

Friendship is the Rainbow Between two Hearts.
Sharing 7 Characters
First i like u,
then i loved u,
Now i'm afraid to lose u,

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

2007-07-21T18:47:00.001+02:00

[English phrase] -- [Chinese Interpretation]
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

Chinese Good Luck Tantra Totem

2007-07-21T18:45:00.000+02:00

THE FOLLOWING IS A CHINESE GOOD LUCK TANTRA TOTEM.

You may not believe in this but the advice is great! Read all the way down, you might learn something!!!

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.

Family

2007-07-21T18:44:00.000+02:00

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed; "Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?" He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way." He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
FAMILY Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means? FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Friends Forever

2007-07-21T18:43:00.002+02:00

You might be best friends one year...
pretty good friends the next year...
don't talk that often the next year...
and don't want to talk at all the year after that...
So, I just wanted to say,
even if I never talk to you again in my life,
you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life,
I look up to you,
respect you,
and truly cherish you.

Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will

Kings Earnings

2007-07-21T18:43:00.001+02:00

Dear Nepali citizens and foreign lovers of Nepal,
you might be wondering why Nepal is still poor when its countries of equal economic status has reached the sky with booming economic development. Let's know the reason behind this, recently found.
Nepal is one of the poorest counries of the world but Nepal’s king is the highest paid king of the world.
The income of Nepali king Gyanendra Bir Bikram Shah Dev is:
2,426 times higher than that of Chinese president
318 times higher than that of Indian president
301 times higher than that of Pakistani president
173 times higher than that of Russian president
57 times higher than that of French president
15 times higher than that of British president
10 times higher than that of American president
Netherlands queen’s income : Rs. 22,32,00,000 (per capita income Rs 17,25,120 )
American president earns: Rs. 3,24,00,000 (1,15,20,000 returns in tax), (per capita income Rs 25,24,320)
Japanese king earns Rs. 22,23,52,000 (per capita income Rs.24,15,600)
Chinese president earns Rs. 1,35,000 (per capita income Rs 67,680)
Indian president earns Rs. 10,11,000 (per capita income Rs 34,560)
French president earns Rs 57,96,000 (per capita income Rs 15,84,000)
Pakistani president earns (after the coup) Rs 10,94,000 (per capita income 29,520)
British Queen does not get any salary from the state. She has a property of Rs 30,24,00,00,000

(the profit of investment, after paying the tax, is hers) but even her neckless is the property of thecountry.

British president earns Rs 2,19,58,000 (per capita income is Rs 18,16,200)
Russian president earns Rs 19,03,000 (per capita income is Rs 1,54,000)
Belgean king receives salary as a civil servant (per capita income is Rs 16,74,000)

And,Nepali king earns Rs 61,91,00,000 (per capita income is Rs 16,560=US$ 230)

[This means the Nepali king earns Rs. 19,878 times higher than a citizen. Last year it was 37,385 times higher. Thus a citizen can earn as much as the king earns in a year only after working for 19,000years or in 316 lives. Ho la!]

AppendixNepali royal family is involved in various business.A king does not have to pay tax according to Nepal’s constitution.The present king has inherited the property of earlier king’s family and nobody knows how much it is.This king has taken Rs 1,06,45,00,000 in past three years for his small family

Courtsey: Surya Thapa, Mulyankan Monthly (Nov-Dec 2005)US dollar 1 = Rs 72Nepal has a writing system of giving comma after two digits except the last.

REQUESTPEASE PRINT THIS AND PASTE IT ON THE NOTICE BOARD OF YOUR OFFICE. THIS WILL GIVE ANSWER TO THE QUEST WHY NEPAL IS ALWAYS SO POOR.
OR
PLEASE CIRCULATE THIS PAGE TO YOUR FRIEND – YOU WILL NOT GET ANY FORTUNE BUT WILL CERTAINLY OPEN THEIR EYES.

Thanks,Nepali Janata

EOTI

2007-07-21T18:41:00.001+02:00

Visit This LINK

http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm

IT GOOD ISN"T IT?

Male Bashing

2007-07-21T18:39:00.001+02:00

Time for some male bashing...... (For a change)...

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Recommend this link to some women who need a laugh.. and to men who can handle it! Walk on..

Maoists and The King

2007-07-21T18:37:00.001+02:00

Untill few months back, there used to be a stalemate between the King and the Maoists.
The Maoists have taken over many places in Nepal, but their revolution is not successful until they take over the capital.
They could not possibly take over the capital because of the Army. The Army is under the kings control and it is impossible for the Maoists to fight the Kings Army in the capital.
SCENE IN THE CAPITAL: The democratic parties have a lot of supporters and say in the capital BUT they are not strong enough to overthrow the King.
THE MAOIST STRATEGY: Using the Democratic Parties as a pawn in their greater scheme of things, the Maoist incite the Democratic Parties to call strikes and large processions, whereby they infiltrate the crowds and force the Kings govt. to attack the public.
THE GENERAL CONSENSUS: The general public believes that the King is corrupt and not a good ruler. So they only need some inciting before they go out in the streets. Once the general consensus is now to get rid of the King who has unjustly killed off peaceful demonstrators and innocent people.
THE AFTERMATH: The wrath of the crowd in Kathmandu Valley is enough to overthrow the king. The king gets thrown out/killed. The Democratic Parties celebrate for a short time before they start feeling the pressure of the Maoists from all sides of the capital.
Without the Army being controlled by one point of reference, no one can stop the Maoists from taking control of the capital.
THE STRATEGY IS WORKING: What we need to decide right now is do we want the Maoist to rule us or the King? The democratic party are just wishful thinkers who wish for a utopia but will fail miserably as soon as their fight is over.
WE THE COMMONERS: We need to see beyond the current situation in Nepal and decide for ourselves if Maoists Rule is what we want. If that is the case, we need to go ahead and support the Democratic Party in the street to topple the King. As soon as the King is toppled, these Democratic Parties will be swatted off like flies by the Maoist guns.
Although democracy is something to die for, the consequent Maoist rule would be such an unfortunate irony for the deaths of thousands who are seeking democracy.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

2007-07-21T18:34:00.000+02:00

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, I’m from just down the road

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:
The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. ” A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch
(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
*A+ - I really liked this one.*

A Month Thingy

2007-07-21T18:31:00.000+02:00

Months Description
Read this and tell your friends about it
They just might understand you better....
JANUARY - Stubborn. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught.Never looks at people's flaws or weaknesses. Hardworking and productive.Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how tomake others happy. Quiet unless excited or tense. Rather reserved.Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Loving andloyal. Loves children. Has great social abilities. Money cautious, canbudget successfully.______________________________________________
FEBRUARY - Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligentand clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy.. Temperamental.Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals.Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness s. Toosensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not showit. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely showsit. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp.Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside.Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to showemotions.______________________________________________
MARCH - Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved.Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace andserenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered.Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assessesothers. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Lovesattention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decor.Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.______________________________________________
APRIL - Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret.Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Lovesattention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems.Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous.Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself andothers. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that onlytheir lover can see.______________________________________________
MAY - Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated.Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needsno motivation. Easily consoled Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream.Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear andneck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literatureand the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Nothaving many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.______________________________________________
JUNE - Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite.Has lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitates, tends to putthings off. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny andhumorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer.Friendly. Makes friends easily. Shows character. Easily hurt. Prone togetting colds. Easily bored. Fussy and stubborn. Seldom shows emotions.Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious.______________________________________________
JULY - Fun to be with. Secretive. Sometimes, difficult to understand.Quiet unless excited or tense. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputationfor hard work. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful.Friendly, but not always approachable. Emotionally temperamental. Moodyand easily hurt. Witty. Not mean or revengeful. Forgiving but neverforgets. Dislikes nonsensical and illogical l things. Sensitive and formsfriendships carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strongsense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations.No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Broods about the pastand misses old friends. Quiet, homey person. Has difficulty making newfriends. Prone to having dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easilyhurt but takes long to recover.______________________________________________
AUGUST - Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave andfearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to consoleothers. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirstyfor praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked.Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly.Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream.Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poorresistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty.Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.______________________________________________
SEPTEMBER - Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized.Stubborn. Quiet. Uncomfortable if have to talk to a group. Calm.Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well. Veryconfident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever andknowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself whencriticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Secretive. Lovessports and leisure. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings.Very choosy, especially in relationships.______________________________________________
OCTOBER - Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takesthings at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Sexy. Gets angry often.Treats friends importantly. Always making new friends. Easily hurt butrecovers easily. Day dreamer. Loyal. Opinionated. Does not care whatothers think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel,the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Honest, does notpretend. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easilyinfluenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.______________________________________________
NOVEMBER - Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward.Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine andstrong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality.Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Lesstalkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn andhard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never giveup. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinksdifferently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does notappreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love andemotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking.High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able tocontrol emotions.______________________________________________
DECEMBER - Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games andinteractions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential inorganizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Lovesattention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending.Short-tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride inoneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor.Logical

A Lil Mouse Story

2007-07-21T18:29:00.000+02:00

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food might this contain?"
The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me. I can’t be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the goat and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The goat sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the pig and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap - alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient and chopped the chicken. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the goat. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral; the farmer had the pig slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

REMEMBER: EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.

Salty Coffe

2007-07-21T18:27:00.000+02:00

An Amazing Love Story
He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, "please, let me go home...." suddenly he asked the waiter. "would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee."
Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously; why you have this hobby? He replied: "when I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I like playing in the sea,I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there". While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched. That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home,cares about home, has responsibility of home. Then she also started to speak,spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story.
They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty coffee!
Then the story was just like every beautiful love story , the princess married to the prince, then they were living the happy life... And, every time she made coffee for him,she put some salt in the coffee e, as she knew that's the way he liked it.
After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything.. Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste...But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".
Her tears made the letter totally wet. Someday, someone asked her:what's the taste of salty coffee? It's sweet. She replied.
*Love** is not 2 forget but 2 forgive, not 2 c but 2 understand,not 2 hear but 2 listen, not 2 let go but 2 HOLD ON !!!!**Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.Don't just search. Find.

Sweet Grandma

2007-07-21T18:26:00.000+02:00

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old daysthey were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterdayonce more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when theywere young.The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank,picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for hissweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma nevershowed up even after sunset.Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lyingon the sofa with her pillow.He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come toour date?"Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go..."

All You Need Is Luck

2007-07-21T18:25:00.000+02:00

Enjoy. Take time to watch the very last sentence. A two minute read.......Read this story, and follow the recommendation at the end...
As I was walking down life's highway many years ago I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store. When I got a little closer the doors swung openwide And when I came to myself I was standing inside. I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere One handed me a basket and said "My child shop with care."Everything a human needed was in that grocery store And what you could not carry you could come back for more
First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row. Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two. And Charity of course I would need some of that too. I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost It was all over the place. And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race. My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace, And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me. Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill, For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will. As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in, For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin. Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf. Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself. Then I said to the angel "Now how much do I owe?" He smiled and said "Just take them everywhereyou go." Again I asked "Really now, How much do I owe?""My child" he said, "God paid your bill a long long time ago."
This has been sent to you with love and for goodluck.
It originated in the Netherlands and has been around the world 9 times.
Do not send money as this message has no price. Do not keep this to yourself but tell it to someone who needs good luck. Of course, good luck is just another way of saying blessings.

Things Computers Can Do In Movies

2007-07-21T18:24:00.000+02:00

- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
- Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
- Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
- You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
- All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
- People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
- A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
- You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
- Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
- If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
- Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
- Computer disks will work on any computer which has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have (See "Aliens".) Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
- Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
- Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001")
- Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" an 3 results are returned.)

Pink Dog

2007-07-21T18:22:00.000+02:00

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9 Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!
You have been Tagged by the Pink Dog!
,-._,-.
\/)"(\/
(_o_)

ruff!!!!!!

You will Have Good Luck For Two Years

Well u shld....hehehe

A Bunch of Proverbs

2007-07-21T18:17:00.000+02:00

Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it
A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market
All is well that ends well
A man is not poor if he can still laugh
A man's reach should exceed his grasp or what is a heaven for
A real friend never gets in your way, unless you happen to be on the way down
Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees
Co-operation is doing with a smile what you have to do anyhow
Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point
Do unto others what you would they do unto you
Flies to wanton boys are we to god; they kill us for their sport
Getting even throws everything out of balance
Heard melodies are sweet, those unheard are sweeter still
He who conquers himself is the greatest warrior
He who laughs lasts
Hope smiles on the threshold of the year to come, whispering that it will be happier
I care for nobody on earth and nobody on earth cares for me
If winter comes, can spring be far away
Infatuation, like common cold, must run its course
In my friend, I find a second self
In quarrelling, the truth is always lost
In the beginning is the end
It is better to reign in hell than be a slave in heaven
It is better to risk saving a guilty man than to condemn an innocent one
It is difficult to win a friend in a year; it is easy to lose one in an hour
Knowledge is the child of experience
Little learning is dangerous
Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's inclination to injustice makes it necessary
Men may come and men may go; but i go on forever
Once the game is over, the king and the pawns go back to the same box
One cannot manage too many affairs; like pumpkins in water, one pops up while you try to hold the other down
One may smile and smile and yet be a villain
One must be poor to know the luxury of giving
Only if we are secure in our beliefs can we see the comical side of the universe
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win
Shared joy is double joy and shared sorrow is half sorrow
Starve the problems and feed the opportunities
Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good
The child is father of the man
The fruits of adversity are sweet
The hammer shatters glass, but forges steel
The incidence of memory is like the light from dead stars whose influence lingers long after the events themselves
There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the days when we were happy
There is providence in the fall of a sparrow
There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope
Those who can do cannot preach
Thunder is good; thunder is impressive. But it is lightning that does the work
Travel too fast and you miss all you are traveling for
Truth is eternal, knowledge is changeable. It is disastrous to confuse them
To achieve the marvelous, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought
To be or not to be, that is the question
To err is human, to forgive is divine
To thine own self, be true
Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink
We cannot forever hide the truth about ourselves, from ourselves
We don't laugh because we are happy; we are happy because we laugh
What force destroys, will rebuilds
You grow up the day when you have your first real laugh on yourself
You too, Brutus

Quotes are from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War"

2007-07-21T18:09:00.000+02:00

"The clever combatant looks to the effect of combined energy, and does notrequire too much from individuals."

"Though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been seenassociated with long delays."

"Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected."

I use it in my life has helped till date

Try to Read This

2007-07-21T18:01:00.000+02:00

Read This
Test Your BrainThis is really cool. The second one is amazing so please read all the waythough.

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITHTHE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.It will drive them crazy.!And keep them occupiedFor several minutes..!

More Brain Stuff . . . From Cambridge University.

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Thephaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at CmabrigdeUinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olnyiprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, butthe wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling wasipmorantt! ifyou can raed tihs tlel aoubt it to evreynoe !!

Being Shy Costs

2007-07-21T18:00:00.000+02:00

NEVER BE SHY TO SAY UR LOVE THAT U LOVE SOMEONE
10th Grade
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so-called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair. I wished she were mine, but she didn't notice me like that.And I knew it. After class she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before, and I handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why.
11th Grade The phone rang. It was her on the other end. She was in tears,mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, a Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks," and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why.
12th Grade
The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick," she said. He's not going to go. Well, I didn't have a date and in 7th grade we made a promise that if neither of us had dates we would go together just as "best friends," so we did. Prom night after everything was over I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her. She smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she doesn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said, "I had the best time,thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her,but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why...
Graduation Day
A day passed. A week passed. A month passed. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and she cried as I hugged her. Then, she lifted her head from my shoulder and said,"You're my best friend, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why…
A Few Years Later
Now, I sit in the pews of the church. She is getting married, now. I watched her say, "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said, "You came!" She said, "thanks!" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love her, but I'm just too shy. And I don't know why...
Funeral
Years passed, and I looked down at the coffin of the girl who used to be my "best friend." At the service they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he were mine. But he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him. I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends. I love him, but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me… i wish I did too… i thought to myself, and I cried.

A Numerology Thingy

2007-07-21T17:54:00.000+02:00

Let me know your number. Once you have discovered your Birth Number, forward
this email to the rest of your friends, including the one who sent this to
you. Put your "number" in the "Subject" and Pass it on.
Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our
inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the
challenges we are facing.
To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the birth date
together, like in the example, until there is only one digit. A Birth Number
does not prevent you from being anything you want to be, it will just color
your choice differently and give you a little insight.
Example March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973
1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20
2 + 0 = 2
Keep going until you end up with a single digit number. 2 is the Birth
Number to read for the birth date in the example.
#1 THE ORIGINATOR
#2 THE PEACEMAKER
#3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
#4 THE CONSERVATIVE
#5 THE NONCONFORMIST
#6 THE ROMANTIC
#7 THE INTELLECTUAL
#8 THE BIG SHOT
#9 THE PERFORMER

==================================================

# 1 - THE ORIGINATOR
1's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural.
Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being
stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some
diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or
bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self- employed is definitely
helpful for them. Lesson to learn Others' ideas might be just as good or
better and to stay open minded. Famous 1's Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk
Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch.

#2 - THE PEACEMAKER
2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and
often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very
intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very
important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand
they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being
naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express
themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off. Famous 2's
President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang
Amadeus, Mozart.

# 3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and
easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They
like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very
popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more
realistic point of view. Famous 3's Alan Alda, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby,
Melanie Griffith, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster

# 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE
4's are sensible and traditional. They like order and routine. They only act
when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting
their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and
feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn
and persistent. They should learn to be more! flexible and to be nice to
themselves. Famous 4's Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold
Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey

# 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST
5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm
often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be
stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning
possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well
advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the
facts before jumping to conclusions. Famous 5's Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte
Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller, Mark
Hail.

# 6 - THE ROMANTIC
6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family
connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions.
They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very
loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal
friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate
between what they can change and what they cannot. Famous 6's Albert
Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Steep, Christopher Columbus, and
Goldie Hawn

#7 - THE INTELLECTUAL
7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it
difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their
decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned
themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and
steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers and being very
knowledgeable, and sometimes ! as loner so. They are technically inclined
and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They
live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what not in
the world at large. Famous 7's William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael
Jackson, Joan Baez, Princess Diana

# 8 - THE BIG SHOT
8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point,
have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live
the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively.
They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should
learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others
want. Famous 8's Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda,
Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus, and Ron Connolly
(Bragger!!!!!!!)

#9 - THE PERFORMER
9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away
their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making
friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different
personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them.
They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have
tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To
be successful, they need to build a loving foundation. Famous 9's Albert
Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley

A Horoscope Thingy

2007-07-21T17:53:00.000+02:00

See if you can be true to your self.
If you are honest this tells the truth - it's pretty good - Write your answers on a piece of paper. No cheating !!!The answers are at the bottom of this page.
No cheating please.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Questions:-

1. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green,yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Your favorite number?
6. Do you like Sydney or Brisbane more?
7. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers :-==========
1. If you choose: -
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love. Black - you are conservative and aggressive. Green - your soul is relaxed and you are laid back Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is: A-K:- You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. L-R:- You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z:- You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in: Jan-Mar:- The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. April-June:- You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever. July-Sep:- You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good. Oct-Dec:- Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose..... Black:- Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White:- You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
6. If you chose:
Sydney: You like adventure. Brisbane: You are a laid back person.
7. If you chose: Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

The ideal Guy

2007-07-21T17:52:00.000+02:00

This one is for the girls
Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

T-Shirt Slogans

2007-07-21T17:48:00.000+02:00

*Hey ya'll. this contains a couple of hilarious and down-right f***ed up T-Shirt slogans that i collected from tshirthell.com. hope you enjoy the lot. read on people.*
*I'M NOT WEARING PANTIES* I would be turned on by this, but any time I hear about a Muslim going commando I just run as a reflex action.
* HOW DARE I WEAR THIS GODDAMN SHIRT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING KIDS?! *Most people think children are the future, but I think they're the present. Which is why I'm not allowed within 100 ft. of a school.
*I RAPE BACK* Is that supposed to be a threat? You might as well tell guys you have no gag reflex and you hate shopping.
*DOMINA-TRIX *Call now to take advantage of our 2 for 1 offer. And remember: the safe word is 'deep-dish'.
*I (HEART) TRANSITIVE PICTOGRAPH VERBALIZATIONS* In addition to that, I also (beet) my wife, (bone) my secretary, (club) retards and (whatever represents neglect) my kids.
*XENU IS MY HOMEBOY* Once a nigga scrapes off your body thetans, that nigga's down fo' life.
*I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS* It's time to sit down and declare your support for single moms. Won't you lend a lap?
*I'M THE ONE YOU GOTTA BLOW TO GET A DRINK AROUND HERE *You know what? I'm a pretty generous person. I'll go ahead and get you two drinks. Three if you promise not to call.
*WHITE FLOUR! *Nuthin' says lovin' like being shoved in an oven!" He got poked in the stomach one too many times, which is exactly how Hitler got started.
*HOPELESS ROMANTIC SEEKS FILTHY WHORE *And if the hopeless romantic's search is successful, he will soon after begin his search for ointments, antibiotics and a rare shampoo that comes with a very little comb.
*IF I HAD BALLS THEY WOULD BE BIGGER THAN YOURS *At first glance this appears to be a "girls only" shirt, but don't forget about the Eunuchs (like God did).
*2 DRINKS AWAY FROM GIRL ON GIRL ACTION *2 drinks or, if you don't want to wait for those to kick in, just flash a c-note. Just as good.
*ALSO AVAILABLE IN SOBER!! *My 12 step program has an escalator, and a wet bar.
*WHO NEEDS BIG TITS? WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS *I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut. I never saw you, but you violated me, you bastard jellyfish.
*SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THESE* Who am I to disagree? Traveled the world and the seven seas, everybody's looking for some titties.
* 999 - EVIL WHEN I DO HANDSTANDS *That's why I do handstands at funerals. Otherwise my erection just doesn't seem justified.
*I BET YOU'LL VOTE NEXT TIME HIPPIE *Did you vote with the majority...and stay home? Nice going.
*YOU CAN'T HAVE MANSLAUGHTER WITHOUT LAUGHTER *Laughter is the best medicine. That is, next to any sort of actual medicine.
*BAAAAAA MEANS NOOOOO! *You always hurt the one ewe that you love, unless you use ewes that use lube.
*I'M NOT A FULL-BLOODED JEW I'M JEWish *I got sent to a concentration camp, but it was minimum security.
*THIS SHIRT IS ONLY BLUE WHEN I'M THINKING ABOUT DWARVES *If a dwarf buys this shirt, I'm sorry to say that this shirt will simply burst into flame immediately after you put it on. I'm kidding. We don't sell to dwarves.
*GO LOCAL SPORTS TEAM AND/OR COLLEGE! *Show your support for your favorite overpaid athlete and/or subpar student!
*ABRACADABRA!... FUCK, YOU'RE STILL UGLY *Well, that didn't work. I guess I'll have to saw you in half. Who said anything about a trick?
*EASY like Sunday morning* Are you easy? Easy like Sunday Morning? Or just plain easy? It's ok.
*HUNG HORSE *We used to have a similar shirt that had an Asian guy in place of a horse, but that one didn't sell for more than one reason.
*IF THIS IS ON YOUR FLOOR TOMORROW... WE TOTALLY FUCKED* (now go make me some breakfast, bitch) Make fucking an important part of your balanced breakfast. Stick milk, juice, toast, cereal, and a grapefruit up your ass.

*STOP CLUBBING BABY SEALS *They never buy a round, they dance too close, and their breath smells of herring.
* COULD YOU COME BACK IN A FEW BEERS? *What you might call skunked beer due to lack of knowledge could be a tasty German-style Pilsner to another. Or it could be piss.

*CEREAL RAPIST *In spite of all of their tears; all of his victims managed to stay crispy. I guess that's why we love them.
*I'M WHAT WILLIS WAS TALKIN' 'BOUT* The shirt NBC's Scrubs featured on their 3/30/04 episode and the one we've been selling since 2002.
*SO, I WALK INTO A BAR... *Joke - a rabbi, a priest and a naked Asian guy. Reality - Middle-aged businessmen and despair.
* SORRY FOR BEING SO FUCKING SEXY *There's no need to apologize; just don't let it happen again. This is the last warning you'll get.

*I TAUGHT YOUR GIRLFRIEND THAT THING YOU LIKE *In return, she taught me the Lambada; even though it is... forbidden.
* I TAUGHT YOUR BOYFRIEND THAT THING YOU LIKE* In return, he taught me long division.

*TALK NERDY TO ME *How should I manage my hacker? The same way you herd cats. It can be a bit confusing; they're not like most other workers.
*SUPPORT THE FINE ARTS SHOOT A RAPPER *I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop the rock it to the bang bang bang! bang...

*I'M NOT BLACK, I'M BIG BONED *Whether you are white and have a big dick or you are black and have a dry sense of humor. Either way, you're hilarious.
*TOM IS MY ONLY FRIEND *The rest of my top 8 is a mixture of alcohol, anti-depressants and internet porn.

*THIS SHIRT IS ONLY BLACK WHEN AN ASSHOLE IS LOOKING AT IT *And this sentence only shows up when an asshole is reading it. And this sentence. And this sentence. And this...okay, you get it asshole.
*PREGUNTAME LO QUE DICE ESTA PLAYERA *(Ask me what this shirt says) A latino submitted this shirt idea and we only had to pay him 25% of what we usually pay the winners.

*SORRY GIRLS, THE DRUMMER IS GAY *They do love to pound that bass. Especially if you remove the b. Get it? Take the b off of bass and it becomes ass. Meaning they love to pound ass.
*SORRY GIRLS, THE LEAD SINGER IS GAY *Who the fuck wants to wait for groupies when your fellow band members are already backstage? And you already know they suck.

*TO: WOMEN - FROM: GOD *You know that you're God's gift to women. Now you have the shirt to prove it.
*FUCK THE COLORBLIND *Roses are red, violets are blue: that's true for me, but not for you! Just one more way to taunt the visually challenged.

*I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN *Stirring up an instant cake mix? It's the perfect time to practice fractions. You can also count the pieces of chopped glass you put into the beef stew.
*STOP MIDGET ON MIDGET CRIME *There are no small crimes, only small criminals.

I* WILL NOT REMEMBER ANY OF THIS *Individuals can engage in a wide range of goal-directed, voluntary, often complicated behaviors during blackouts -- from salsa dancing, to having sex with giraffes.
*DIAMONDS ARE A GIRLS BEST FRIEND... BUT MY DICK IS A REALLY CLOSE SECOND *Tired of coming in second? Get a Prince Albert that contains a 2 karat diamond.

*INTERNATIONAL AGE OF CONSENT TOUR *This shirt is a handy guide to who's legal and who's not. It's helpful when you're spreading international relations, and VD.
*I LIKE MY WOMEN LIKE I LIKE MY TRACTORS I CAN'T GET ANY MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT - PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN* And exactly how I like my ceiling fans. The fellas know what I'm talking about. They don't? Well I'm not gonna get into it here.

*I TAKE THE "THE" OUT OF PSYCHOTHERAPIST *A shirt made specifically for all the psycho rapists out there. Which excludes me, because I'm a level-headed, rational rapist.
*REMINDER: BUY MORE BEER (MIRROR WRITING) *This is not just a shirt: it's also a handy reminder, every time you look in the mirror, of your number 1 priority for the day.

*I'M NOT FAT. I'M PREGNANT WITH ICE CREAM'S BABY *You're retaining fudge, double chocolate, butter pecan, caramel ripple and rocky road. That doesn't make your pregnancy any less valid.
*YOUR SISTER IS HOT BUT YOUR MOM DOES THAT THING WITH HER TONGUE *Cooked tongue is lean, meaty, and quite versatile; it works well in sandwiches, tacos, assholes, and casseroles.

*I'M JUST IN IT FOR THE PARKING *But let's be honest, those giant bathroom stalls are pretty sweet, too. I wonder how come they don't have giant urinals?
I* (HEART) JESUS AND FRENCH FRIES *I'm caught in a love triangle. They're both special in their own way, but until Jesus comes with a drive-thru window I'm gonna have to go with the fries. Besides, you can't biggie-size Jesus's love.

*I STOLE THIS SHIRT FROM A HOMELESS GUY- WHY HE HAD A SHIRT THAT SAYS THIS, I'LL NEVER KNOW* Some say homeless people are looking for handouts. Some say they want jobs. That's why I say let's just give them all handjobs!
*I PUT THE "SEXY" IN DYSLEXIA *Tihs oen gsoe uot ot lal hte sexy dyslexics. Fianlyl a sthirt amde ujst orf uyo.

*IF YOU'RE ALREADY THIS CLOSE WHY DON'T YOU JUST SUCK MY DICK? *A great gag shirt. Because they can gag after they read it.
*THE FUNNIEST THING ABOUT THIS SHIRT IS THAT BY THE TIME YOU REALIZE IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU TO STOP READING IT YOU DUMB FUCK*

*SHITTLES (taste the asshole) *I am sad to report that on November 18, 2001, my beloved Shittles died from bloat. She will be dearly missed.
*FUCK CHUCK *Chuck Mania is sweeping the nation. Fuck the nation.

*I'LL BE USING THESE TO MY ADVANTAGE *The Maidenform company was founded in 1922, starting the convention of naming cup sizes A through D.
*I JUST KILLED A CLOWN *Remember that a good clown entertains others by making fun of himself, and not at the expense or embarrassment of others. If he doesn't follow this simple rule: kill him.
*MEDIUM PIMPIN' *Fo' real it don't get no mo' medium man. Don't trip, let's flip, gettin throwed on the flip. Gettin blowed with the motherfuckin Jigga Man, fool.
*I'M HUGE IN JAPAN* And China...and Korea..and Thailand and... You'll have to ask Bill Murray what the Japanese letters mean (hint hint: big dick).

*GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'M AN ASSHOLE AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE* Paid for by the commitee to elect fewer cumstains, and more assholes.
*YOU'LL REGRET READING THIS SHIRT WHEN THE SKETCH ARTIST ASKS YOU TO DESCRIBE MY FACE* Being an artist is first and foremost about feeling free to create. Creating something that others have not expressed before or have expressed in a different way.

*I ONLY SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE IF BOTH CHICKS ARE HOT *There's nothing hotter than two chicks making out, unless it's two chicks making out while they're on fire.
*I'D RATHER BE FIGHTING THE MAN *Elvis was a hero to most. But he never meant shit to me, you see.

*1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d* And cybering doesn't count. And you can stop saving yourself for Lara Croft.
*THERE ARE 2 PEOPLE FUCKING ON THE BACK OF THIS SHIRT... JUST KIDDING, BELIEVE IN JESUS!* So why do I believe in Jesus? Because he's real. That night in the library, when I hit the bottom, Buddha wasn't there for me.
*YES, I HAVE PLENTY OF CHANGE YOU HOMELESS PIECE OF SHIT. THANKS FOR ASKING. *I would help the homeless if I just knew where they lived.
*THE REAL SHOCKER* This shirt could actually have 2 meanings. Fisting, obviously, but there's also the 'violence against women angle.' Either way, it's hilarious

*WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? (for a KLONDIKE bar?)* My 15 year old Christian daughter is very angry with God. She needs prayer for all her anger against God. Please pray for her & send ice cream.
*I BRING NOTHING TO THE TABLE *For those of you who think inside the box.
*THIS ORGY SURE IS OFF TO A SLOW START* Proper orgy etiquette is to start with the person on your left, and then continue in a clockwise rotation. And always, ladies first!
* I SHAVED MY BALLS FOR THIS? *No more owchies from getting a hair stuck to a pantyliner. *blush* No more stray curly hairs peeking out from revealing clothing or bathing suits.

*IT'S NOT PMS, IT'S YOU *Many women with PMS find it hard to do things that require concentration, such as balancing a checkbook, following recipes, or making business decisions.
*ASTHMA IS SEXY! *Buy this, and breathe a little easier.
*HE LOVES THE COCK* When your cock knows that you love and respect him, he will want to be with you. He'll sit on the porch in the evening and preen himself, sure signs that he feels at home.
*SOLDIERS NEED HUMMERS PLEASE HELP SUPPORT THE CAUSE*! I know you're willing to lend a hand, but what these boys could really use is a nice warm, wet...protective vehicle.

*IN CASE OF FIRE LOOK ON BACK- I SAID IN CASE OF FIRE DUMBASS *The shirt, the shirt, the shirt is on fire! I don't need no water let the mother fucker burn. OK, a little water would be nice.
*I'M PART OF THE PROBLEM *When people tell you that you're part of the problem, they're generally being polite. Knowing you, you're the whole problem.

*YOU MUST BE THIS LONG TO RIDE *Obey the posted rules and oral instructions: Do not interfere with safety devices. . Do not swing or bounce unless instructed. (space between fingers is approx 8")
*THERE'S A PICTURE OF THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD ON THE BACK OF MY SHIRT... JUST KIDDING, PRAISE ALLAH! (PLEASE DON'T KILL ME)*

*(Front) THERE'S A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE LOOKING AT ME (Back) ...STILL LOOKING AT ME *Fuck 'em. Best of all it doesn't matter whether you're coming or going.
*SWALLOWS *Takeru Kobayashi holds the world record for hot dog consumption at 50 and 1/2 dogs in 12 minutes. He also enjoys fisting, and long walks on the beach.

*I MAY HAVE ALZHEIMER'S BUT AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE ALZHEIMER'S* This shirt is for everyone who... who are you people? How did you get on this site?
*OB/GYN KENOBI *Use the Force Luke... no wait, I meant the forceps... now the Force... and now back to the forceps. Good. Go wash up.

*EAST COAST LAWNMOWERS *Charles Henry Pugh was born in 1840 in Newtown Montgomery. Unfortunately he never lived long enough to see his first lawnmower.
*ONCE YOU GO ASIAN... YOU NEVER GO CAUCASIAN *He is a compelling and exotic little man in his charcoal Mao suit, white socks and enigmatic smile.
* I'M UGLY ON THE INSIDE TOO* When you're feeling down about what you see in the mirror, don't grab for that gray coat. Put on a bright color to kick you back into gear. For example, try red, the most energetic color in the spectrum.
*IV:XX *When in Rome, smoke pot when the Romans do.
*PLEASE TURN ME OVER SO I DON'T CHOKE ON MY OWN VOMIT / THANK YOU* Perform a tongue-jaw lift and remove foreign body ONLY IF VISUALIZED.
*IN THE MOUTH? IN THE ASS? IN THE VAGINA? BETWEEN THE TITS? I SUPPORT A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE *It's all about freedom.

*BAD SAMARITAN *Reach out to fellow human beings and invite them into a friendly and empowering relationship of care - or just poke them.
*RESTRAINING ORDERS ARE JUST ANOTHER WAY of saying I love you *Don't wear this within 100 yards of another t-shirt.
*I'M CUTE? NO SHIT.* Tired of hearing the same cliche shit when flaunting your delicious goodies down the street? Don't even talk back, just wear the shirt.
* IF I CAN BUILD A COMPUTER I CAN MAKE YOU CUM *If you can screw in a light bulb and turn a screwdriver you can easily build your own pc. Personally, I prefer to screw in hot tubs.

*I'M HERE TO KILL YOU - NEXT TIME KEEP THAT CHAIN LETTER GOING* Send 10 of these shirts to 10 people and tell them to do the same. Soon you'll be rich. Ok, I'll be rich.

The Turtle and The Hare

2007-07-21T17:46:00.000+02:00

Once upon a time a tortoise and a hare had an argument about who was faster. They decided to settle the argument with a race. They agreed on a route and started off the race.
The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought he would sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race.He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep. The tortoise plodding on overtook him and soon finished the race, emerging as the undisputed champ.
The hare woke up and realized that he had lost the race.
The moral of the story?
Slow and steady wins the race.
This is the version of the story that we have all grown up with.
But then recently, someone told me a more interesting version of this story. It continues.
The hare was disappointed at losing the race and he did some Defect Prevention (Root Cause Analysis).He realized that he had lost the race only because he had been overconfident, careless and lax. If he had not taken things for granted, there was no way the tortoise could have beaten him.
So he challenged the tortoise to another race. The tortoise agreed. This time, the hare went all out and ran without stopping from start to finish. He won by several miles.
The moral of the story?
Fast and consistent will always beat the slow and steady.
If you have two people in your organization, one slow, methodical and reliable, and the other fast but still reliable at what he does, the fast and reliable chap will consistently climb the organizational ladder faster than the slow, methodical chap.
It's good to be slow and steady;but it's better to be fast and reliable.
But the story does not end here.
The tortoise did some thinking this time, and realized that there is no way he can beat the hare in a race the way it was currently formatted. He thought for a while, and then challenged the hare to another race, but on a slightly different route.
The hare agreed. They started off. In keeping with his self-made commitment to be consistently fast, the hare took off and ran at top speed until he came to a broad river.
The finishing line was a couple of kilometers on the other side of the river.
The hare sat there wondering what to do. In the meantime the tortoise trundled along, got into the river, swam to the opposite bank, continued walking and finished the race.
The moral of the story?
First identify your core competency and then change the playing field to suit your core competency.
In an organization, if you are a good speaker, make sure you create opportunities to give presentations that enable the senior management to notice you.
If your strength is analysis, make sure you do some sort of research, make a report and send it upstairs. Working to your strengths will not only get you noticed but will also create opportunities for growth and advancement.

The story still has not ended.
The hare and the tortoise, by this time, had become pretty good friends and they did some thinking together. Both realized that the last race could have been run much better.
So they decided to do the last race again, but to run as a team this time.
They started off, and this time the hare carried the tortoise till the riverbank. There, the tortoise took over and swam across with the hare on his back. On the opposite bank, the hare again carried the tortoise and they reached the finishing line together. They both felt a greater sense of satisfaction than they'd felt earlier.
The moral of the story?It is good to be individually brilliant and to have strong core competencies; but unless you are able to work in a team and harness each others’ core competencies, you will always perform below par because there will always be situations at which you will do poorly and someone else does well.
Teamwork is mainly about situational leadership, letting the person with the relevant core competency for a situation take leadership.
There are more lessons to be learnt from this story.
Note that neither the hare nor the tortoise gave up after failures. The hare decided to work harder and put in more effort after his failure.
The tortoise changed his strategy because he was already working as hard as he could. In life, when faced with failure, sometimes it is appropriate to work harder and put in more effort.
Sometimes it is appropriate to change strategy and try something different. And sometimes it is appropriate to do both.
The hare and the tortoise also learnt another vital lesson. When we stop competing against a rival and instead start competing against the situation, we perform far better.
When Roberto Goizueta took over as CEO of Coca-Cola in the 1980s, he was faced with intense competition from Pepsi that was eating into Coke's growth.
His executives were Pepsi-focused and intent on increasing market share 0.1 % a time.
Goizueta decided to stop competing against Pepsi and instead compete against the situation of 0.1 % growth.
He asked his executives what the average fluid intake of an American per day was?14 ounces.What was Coke's share of that?2 ounces.Goizueta said Coke needed a larger share of that market.
The competition was not Pepsi. It was the water, tea, coffee, milk and fruit juices that made up the remaining 12 ounces. The public should reach for a Coke whenever they felt like drinking something.To this end, Coke put up vending machines at every street corner. Sales took a quantum jump and Pepsi has never quite caught up since.
To sum up, the story of the hare and tortoise teaches us many things.
Chief among them are:
fast and consistent will always beat slow and steady;
work to your competencies;
pooling resources and working as a team will always beat individual performers;
never give up when faced with failure;
and finally, compete against the situation, not against a rival.

What Men Wants

2007-07-21T17:45:00.001+02:00

*Belive it or not.......

1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. they prefer neat and presentable girls.
2. Guys hate flirts.
3.When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is. 4. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about .
5. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.
6. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
7. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.
8. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.
9. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow".... so true.
10. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.
11. Guys love their moms.
12. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.
13. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.
14. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.
15. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.
16. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.
17. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.
18. Guys are very open about themselves.
19. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.
20. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.
21. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.
22. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice..very true.
23. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
24. Guys keep secrets that girls tell them.
25. Guys think too much.
26. Guys fantasies are unlimited.
27. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does! ... very true.
28. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!
29. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.
30. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.
31. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.
32. Guys hate girls who overreact.
33. Guys love you more than you love them IF they are serious in your relationships. Doesn't this all make sense?

TELL THIS TO ALL GIRLS SO THAT THEY CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND GUYS
TELL THIS TO GUYS TO LET THEM KNOW THEMSELVES MORE.

Chuck Norris

2007-07-21T17:29:00.000+02:00

This one is for all the chuck norris fans out there

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed
Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.
Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb
When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
Chuck Norris invented the apple.
Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
Chuck Norris' paradise is war.
Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.
Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.
Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.
Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
Chuck norris invented the corndog.
The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Chuck Norris belives the hype.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.
Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.
Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.
Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.

The Kiss

2007-07-21T17:26:00.000+02:00

The Lovers of the Heart In order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the mighty hug to promote to whom we please but one kiss.

Article 1: Statement of Love: The Kiss
1. Kiss on the hand I adore you
2. Kiss on the cheek I just want to be friends
3. Kiss on the neck I want you
4. Kiss on the lips I love you
5. Kiss on the ears I am just playing
6. Kiss anywhere else lets not get carried away
7. Look in your eyes kiss me
8. Playing with your hair I can't live without you
9. Hand on your waist I love you to much to let you go

Article 2: The Three Steps
1. Girls: If any guy gets fresh with you, slap him.
2. Guys if any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good.
3. Guys Girls Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare.

Article 3: The Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard.
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, but take one.
3. Thou shall kiss at every opportunity. * Remember * A peach is a peach A plum is a plum; A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue. So open up your mouth close your eyes, and give your tongue some exercise!!!

Here are a few reasons why guys like girls:
1. they will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds yours
13. The way they smile
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later....
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"
18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt. (even though we don't admit it)!
23. The way they say "I miss you"
24. The way you miss them
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....

Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ...it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.

* This chain started in 1887. It is a love chain letter.

A Little Ant Story

2007-07-21T17:20:00.000+02:00

OLD VERSION..... The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION..... The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving and calls for a Nepal Bandh to protest this 'Soshan'.
Kantipur, Image and Nepal 1 show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The nation is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
The Civil Society steps in and stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house and a concerned group goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.
Amnesty International and Ban ki Moon, the eighth Secretary General of the UN, criticizes the Nepali Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper. The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).
Immediately laws are tabled to prevent Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers. Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter. The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by all TV and media.
Everyone hails it as "a triumph of justice and revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden". Ban ki Moon invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later...
The ant having lost everything has since migrated to the US in despair and set up a multi million dollar company in silicon valley. As for the grasshopper.... well, thousands of grasshoppers continue to die of starvation...

Boy and a Girl

2007-07-21T17:19:00.000+02:00

To all those who love, this is an encouragement saying ‘don’t give up’! Love yas!
Boy: I like her so much!
Girl: Talk to her!
Boy: I don't know. She won't ever like me.
Girl: Don't say that. You're amazing
Boy: I just want her to know how I feel.
Girl: Then tell her
Boy: She won't like me.
Girl: How do you know that?
Boy: I can just tell
Girl: Well just tell her.
Boy: What should I say?
Girl: Tell her how much you like her!
Boy: I tell her that daily
Girl: What do you mean?
Boy: I'm always with her. I love her.
Girl: I know how you feel. I have the same problem. But he'll never like me.
Boy: Wait. Who do you like?
Girl: Oh, some boy.
Boy: Oh...well she won't like me either.
Girl: She does.
Boy: How do you know.
Girl: Because, who wouldn't like you?
Boy: You.
Girl: You're wrong, I love you.
Boy: I love you too.
Girl: So are you going to talk to her?
Boy: I just did.

Will Always Love You

2007-07-21T17:18:00.000+02:00

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you had not? Or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess that the most important things are the hardest things to say. Do not be afraid to tell someone you love him or her. If you do, they might break your heart...if you do not, you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it does not. You cannot tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own...when you least suspect it, or even when you do not want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we do not know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found about us. However, every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Do not be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had. * What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? *What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? *What would you do, if your best friend died tomorrow, and you never have to tell them how you felt? (Even if it is that, you do not care anymore) *What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you could not have him or her? *What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?* People live, but people die. Moreover, I want to tell you that you are a friend. If you died tomorrow, you would be in my heart! Would I be in yours? If you care about me as much as I care about you, you will send this back. You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that. Therefore, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life, look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you. Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to the person who sent it to you if you consider them a friend as well. Let old friends know you have not forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will. Remember, everyone needs a friend; someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and... Always will. I LOVE YOU! Send this to all the friends that you have...all the friends that you've lost...and to all the friends you've lost touch with...just to let them know that you care.. If you got this email, it means that the person who sent it to you loves you and always will, no matter what.

21 Suggestions

2007-07-21T17:16:00.000+02:00

The following are 21 suggestions that i suggest u follow...provided that u want to

One: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Two: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will
be as important as any other.
Three: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
Four: When you say, "I love you," mean it.
Five: When you say, "I’m sorry," look the person in the eye.
Six: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Seven: Believe in love at first sight.
Eight: Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don’t have much.
Nine: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life
completely.
Ten: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Eleven: Don't judge people by their relatives.
Twelve: Talk slowly but think quickly.
Thirteen: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you
want to know?"
Fourteen: Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Fifteen: Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
Sixteen: When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Seventeen: Remember the three R’s: respect for self; respect for others; and responsibility for
all your actions.
Eighteen: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
Nineteen: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Twenty: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
Twenty-one: Spend some time alone.

Gmail's New Scoop

2007-07-21T17:14:00.000+02:00

http://mail.google.com/mail/help/paper/index.html

How we say "WE CARE"

2007-07-21T17:13:00.000+02:00

oi listen carefully GIRLS....THIS IS how guys express their love!!!

When a GUY is quiet and is alone,
He's thinking how good you are, Miss you!!!

When a GUY is lying on his bed,
He's thinking deeply why he loves you.

When a GUY looks at you in your eyes,
He wants to tell you how much he loves you and how important you are.

When a GUY answers "I'm Fine" after a while,
He is not and feels hurt.

When a GUY keeps asking you the same question,
He is wondering why you are lying.

When a GUY hugs you while sleeping,
He is wishing that you belong to him forever.

When a GUY calls you everyday,
He Misses You and wants your attention.

When a GUY wants to see you everyday,
He cares for you and wants to know how are you today.

When a GUY sms's u everyday,
He wants you to know that he is fine.

When a GUY says I love you,
He really means it.

When a GUY says that he can't live without you,
He has made up his mind that you are his future wife.

When a GUY says "I Miss You",
He wants to see you immedietely.

Five facts in the world

2007-07-21T17:12:00.000+02:00

Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue;
Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it.
Fact 3: Fact1 is false Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.......... ........
Fact 4: Now u are laughing !!! bcoz u became a fool !!!
Fact 5: you want to fool ur friends also... ... so tell everyone about it

Drive Nails into a Fence

2007-07-21T17:10:00.000+02:00

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger,they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."