A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Poor Old Man
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day" The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Pleasure
A woman collapsed, fell and hit her head in a crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales, when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure.
The kinky 33-year-old housewife was wearing a pair of battery-operated Passion Pants, bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun.
But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness. When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knikcers still buzzing.
They took them off her before an ambulance took her to the hospital. The woman, who’s identity has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill effects. As she left the hospital a paramedic gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag.
A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain commented to the Sun: "We like to think shopping with us was pleasure enough already."
The kinky 33-year-old housewife was wearing a pair of battery-operated Passion Pants, bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun.
But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness. When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knikcers still buzzing.
They took them off her before an ambulance took her to the hospital. The woman, who’s identity has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill effects. As she left the hospital a paramedic gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag.
A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain commented to the Sun: "We like to think shopping with us was pleasure enough already."
NYC Beggar
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend´s act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he´s only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren´t?"
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend´s act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he´s only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren´t?"
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Coli bacteria
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia
coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
Royal Wedding (nasty)
On the day of the wedding, Mary was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Mary for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Mary’s feet were in agony.
When she and Frederik withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Frederik say ’God,that was tight.’
’There,’ whispered the Queen. ’I told you she was a virgin.’ Then, to their surprise, they heard Frederik say. ’Right. Now for the other one.’
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Frederik said. ’My God. That was even tighter.’
’That’s my boy,’ said Prince Henrik.
Panic!Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Mary for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Mary’s feet were in agony.
When she and Frederik withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Frederik say ’God,that was tight.’
’There,’ whispered the Queen. ’I told you she was a virgin.’ Then, to their surprise, they heard Frederik say. ’Right. Now for the other one.’
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Frederik said. ’My God. That was even tighter.’
’That’s my boy,’ said Prince Henrik.
I Wonder
- When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
- Aren’t the ’good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
- If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
- How come popcorn isn’t a vegetable?
- Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
- If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn�t we now be seeing people from the future?
- Aren’t the ’good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
- If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
- How come popcorn isn’t a vegetable?
- Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
- If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn�t we now be seeing people from the future?
Lil Billy
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Fax Questions and Answers
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax strangers every day.
Q. My parents said that they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think one should be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, a s far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q. Should I always use a cover when faxing?
A. Unless you’re really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure, and fax prematurely?
A. Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won’t mind if you try again!
Q. I have a personal, and a business, fax. Can transmissions be mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover sheet with each and every one, you won’t transmit anything that you are not supposed to.
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax strangers every day.
Q. My parents said that they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think one should be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, a s far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q. Should I always use a cover when faxing?
A. Unless you’re really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure, and fax prematurely?
A. Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won’t mind if you try again!
Q. I have a personal, and a business, fax. Can transmissions be mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover sheet with each and every one, you won’t transmit anything that you are not supposed to.
5 Kings
Can you name the five Great Kings that have brought happiness into peoples lives ?
Answer :
DrinKing,
SmoKing,
LicKing,
SucKing
and
FucKing!
Answer :
DrinKing,
SmoKing,
LicKing,
SucKing
and
FucKing!
Work-dictionary
What you say to your boss and what it really means:
You say: Perhaps I can work late.
It means: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
You say: I’m certain that is not feasible.
It means: No fucking way!
You Say: Really?
It means: You’ve got to be shitting me.
You say: Perhaps you should check with...
It means: Tell someone who gives a shit.
You say: Of course I’m concerned.
It means: Ask me if I give a shit.
You say: I wasn’t involved in the project.
it means: It’s not my fucking problem.
You say: I’m not sure I can implement this.
It means: Fuck it, it won’t work.
You say: I’ll try to schedule that.
It means: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
You say: Are you sure this is a problem?
It means: Who the fuck cares?
You say: He’s not familiar with the problem.
It means: He’s got his head up his ass.
You say: So you weren’t happy with it?
It means: Kiss my ass.
You say: I don’t think you understand.
It means: Shove it up your ass.
You say: I love a challenge.
It means: This job sucks.
You say: You want me to take care of that?
It means: Who the hell died and made you boss?
You say: Yes, we really should discuss it.
It means: Another fucking meeting?
You say: I don’t think this will be a problem.
It means: I really don’t give a shit.
You say: Perhaps I can work late.
It means: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
You say: I’m certain that is not feasible.
It means: No fucking way!
You Say: Really?
It means: You’ve got to be shitting me.
You say: Perhaps you should check with...
It means: Tell someone who gives a shit.
You say: Of course I’m concerned.
It means: Ask me if I give a shit.
You say: I wasn’t involved in the project.
it means: It’s not my fucking problem.
You say: I’m not sure I can implement this.
It means: Fuck it, it won’t work.
You say: I’ll try to schedule that.
It means: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
You say: Are you sure this is a problem?
It means: Who the fuck cares?
You say: He’s not familiar with the problem.
It means: He’s got his head up his ass.
You say: So you weren’t happy with it?
It means: Kiss my ass.
You say: I don’t think you understand.
It means: Shove it up your ass.
You say: I love a challenge.
It means: This job sucks.
You say: You want me to take care of that?
It means: Who the hell died and made you boss?
You say: Yes, we really should discuss it.
It means: Another fucking meeting?
You say: I don’t think this will be a problem.
It means: I really don’t give a shit.
Monday, February 4, 2008
The Hamster Show
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
New Holiday - March 20th
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret...guys feel left out. That’s right...left out. There’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."
Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That’s it. This twin pairing of Valentine’s Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It’s like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
Secret...guys feel left out. That’s right...left out. There’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 20th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day."
Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That’s it. This twin pairing of Valentine’s Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It’s like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
FBI, CIA, LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!"
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!"
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Real flight announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Philosophy
The First Law of Philosophy:
For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy:
They're both wrong.
For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy:
They're both wrong.
The good, the bad and the ugly
Good: You’re pregnant. Bad: It’s triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He’s a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You’re in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He’s a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You’re in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
Not since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma´am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma´am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said:"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said:"You know, I hope you don´t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma´am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:"Wow, you sure didn´t forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice: "I hope not, it´s only 2130 now."
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma´am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma´am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said:"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said:"You know, I hope you don´t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma´am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:"Wow, you sure didn´t forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice: "I hope not, it´s only 2130 now."
Pregnant that way?
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, - "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
He asked, - "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn’t.
The doctor then told her, - "Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked - "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, - "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
He asked, - "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn’t.
The doctor then told her, - "Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked - "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, - "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
What's the Purpose?
A British anthropologist was doing field research in an isolated African village, when a tribal chief asked if he would like to be his guest at a legal trial he was conducting later that day.
"We have copied your country's legal procedures from what we have read in the accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system." proudly stated the chief.
When the Brit arrived at the wooden courthouse, he was amazed to see how closely the African court officials tried to resemble those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language.
But he was puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What native purpose does the semi-nude woman signify running through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know", confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in the British papers about trials in the Royal Courts, there was invariably something mentioned about "an excited titter" running through the gallery".
"We have copied your country's legal procedures from what we have read in the accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system." proudly stated the chief.
When the Brit arrived at the wooden courthouse, he was amazed to see how closely the African court officials tried to resemble those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language.
But he was puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What native purpose does the semi-nude woman signify running through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know", confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in the British papers about trials in the Royal Courts, there was invariably something mentioned about "an excited titter" running through the gallery".
The nun at Hooters
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "I really don’t think you should.." "Why not?" the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I’ll just look the other way."
So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you’re one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don’t understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "I really don’t think you should.." "Why not?" the nun asked.
"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I’ll just look the other way."
So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you’re one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don’t understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
Classy things to say when stressed
- "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!"
- "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
- "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"
- "This isn’t an office. It’s HELL with fluorescent lighting"
- "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
- "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
- "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
- "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
- "I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable"
- "Don’t worry. I forgot your name too."
- "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
- "Wait...I’m trying to imagine you with a personality"
- "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
- "A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth."
- "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
- "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
- "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"
- "This isn’t an office. It’s HELL with fluorescent lighting"
- "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
- "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
- "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
- "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
- "I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable"
- "Don’t worry. I forgot your name too."
- "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
- "Wait...I’m trying to imagine you with a personality"
- "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
- "A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth."
- "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
Tarzan
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.
In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.
In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
Top Ten Rejected Valentine’s Day Cards
10.
I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk
9.
Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8.
I bought this Valentine’s card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you’d be my ho.
7.
This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.
6.
You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5.
Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4.
Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.
3.
You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s "booty".
2.
I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
1.
If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk
9.
Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8.
I bought this Valentine’s card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you’d be my ho.
7.
This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.
6.
You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5.
Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4.
Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.
3.
You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s "booty".
2.
I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
1.
If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
The Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Friday, February 1, 2008
The Laws of the Workplace
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Did u Know
What’s Your Bra Size?Have you ever wondered why the letters A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H are used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can’t Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can’t Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)